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20th August 2017

The Winter Pool Live! Cambridge applicants fight to the death at Girton

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Join The Porter’s Log for an exclusive live feed of the annual gladiatorial bedlam that pits applicants against each other for a final chance to make it into the hallowed halls of Cambridge.

9:00am: The Girton swimming pool has been drained and you can now see several lions and cheetahs roaming around inside it. Barbed wire fences have been set up around the edges and regular bus services to Durham have been arranged for those who don’t quite make the cut.

9:15am: And they’ve arrived! Just look at these bleary-eyed candidates, undeterred by having shat themselves in a Trinity interview or having got a couple of Bs at GCSE. You’ve gotta love that spirit! They’re all kitted out with animal skins for warmth, sharpened swords, and login details for The Student Room so they can recount the whole thing to people who don’t care about them, if they make it home alive.

9:30am: The judges have taken their thrones. Draped in the finest white togas, the admissions tutors of Girton, Fitzwilliam and Homerton are looking truly regal! A thumbs up from one these judges is the ultimate prize: an offer. The gong has been struck! Let the carnage commence.

9:31am: REJECTION. Chris Dawson has been mauled by a bloodthirsty cheetah! The tutors give him the thumbs down – off to Durham for you matey.

10:43am: OFFER. Using another candidate’s lifeless body as a shield, Mathmo Macy O’Neill fends off the attacks of her competitors and proves her value to Cambridge. She may have forgotten her times tables in her interview at St John’s, but hey, she’ll be the Stephen Hawking of Homerton one day.

11:00am: FULL TIME: At the last minute Land Ec applicant Jason Godwin managed to persuade his dad’s investment bank to make a ‘donation’ to the University and hey presto, that intellectual powerhouse is going back to the Home Counties with the ultimate prize: three years of studying advanced farming! Good on ya son!

We hope you’ve enjoyed our coverage. Our highlights will shortly be available on BBC DiePlayer and GoreOD.