Michaelmasochism
18th November 2017

Trinity College begins stockpiling nuclear warheads for May Ball fireworks display

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Trinity has drawn widespread condemnation as leaked satellite images appear to show missile silos under construction on college grounds.

Tara Lamp, the Trinity May Ball Committee’s Heavy Ordnance Officer, released a statement this morning: “Having heard that some of our ball-goers were disappointed with our offering last year compared to St John’s May Ball, we’ve decided to pull out all the stops this year to give attendees an unforgettably volatile night.”

“Trinity has a long and illustrious history of successful summertime detonations, stretching all the way back to the first nuclear test in 1945. Whilst we appreciate that some students may be uncomfortable with our dealings with arms dealers, we are confident their tune will soon be changing – changing to the tune of a long high pitched whistle followed by a sudden deafening explosion.”

A spokesperson from bordering St John’s College called the munitions build-up “worrying”, whilst King’s College vowed “a show of mighty pyrotechnic strength in retaliation to the bourgeois provocateurs” in front of King’s Chapel, to take place during the annual King’s Affair event. Despite the strong rhetoric, however, a Freedom of Information Request suggested that the college could in reality only afford three sparklers and some medium-sized balloons.

Accusations of illegal working practices have also been levelled at Trinity amid alleged plans to pay fallout clean-up workers £1.50 an hour and the right to buy their own Trinity-branded Hazmat suit. Lamp said: “we feel that the privilege of scrubbing radioactive dust from Trinity’s beautiful gardens is in many ways its own reward.”

TrinityNuclearSites

In an effort to relieve tensions, outgoing CUSU President Amatey Doku has been despatched to the region as peace envoy. Bringing with him a draft of the ‘Treaty of Trinity Street’, Doku has promised to work with all parties involved to help prevent nuclear armageddon and assuage fears from the Cambridge Social Justice Movement that Trinity’s behaviour was “appropriating the culture of North Korea”.

The International Atomic Energy Agency has estimated that the combined yield of Trinity’s planned display will be several megatons, enough to obliterate much of Cambridge. However, ballistic missile tactician Marcus Atherton was quick to calm fears: “Honestly, there’s no reason to worry. There are plenty of safe places to seek refuge from the thermonuclear apocalypse: go on a strategically-timed swap to Girton, shelter behind a Tab BNOC’s ego, or hide in Life, which is essentially a fully functioning nuclear bunker.”

“Plus you can survive for years down there on stale VKs and eclectic beats while you wait for the radioactivity to level off.”

Meanwhile, there are rumours that ArcSoc plan to capitalise on the impending doomsday with a special nuclear winter-themed event entitled ‘MAGIC // mUsHr00m clouds.z //’

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