21st March 2023

University relaxes policy on intermitting students


In what has been hailed as a landmark decision, the University of Cambridge has decided to allow intermitting students to visit the city if they wish to do so.

In a statement, University spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth welcomed the move. ‘This is a huge step in the right direction for student welfare. While intermitting students who tried to breach the borders of the city would previously have been picked off by one of our loyal team of rooftop snipers, our guards will now only be armed with rubber bullets and elephant tranquillisers.”

Tara Lamp, a second-year history student who intermitted last term, is impressed with the changes, which allowed her to return to visit friends at the University last week. “Previously, I wouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near Cambridge because of the 20ft-high concrete wall that surrounded the town, but it’s super easy now they’ve replaced it with a simple barbed wire fence that you have to hop over.

“Following that there’s the 100-metre barefoot dash across hot coals and broken glass, the frozen ice swim affectionately known as ‘the Winter Pool’ and finally having to sit through 3 hours of student theatre.”

The university has also stressed its eagerness to make intermitting students feel welcome if they choose to visit the city. This includes a new guest accommodation block in the middle of the River Cam, inspired by architectural landmarks such as Alcatraz and Fort Boyard, which will be guarded by ‘welfare swans’, each infected with bird flu and trained to ‘playfully nibble’ students as they make their way around the town.

A range of exclusive activities has also been arranged to provide therapeutic support for visiting students. These ‘self-care courses’ include ‘smashing boulders in a yard’, ‘unbearably hot yoga’ and writing lifestyle columns for the Tab.

University counsellor Cecil Jones welcomed the changes: “These students will be provided with cutting-edge assistance if they choose to visit during their intermission year. State-of-the-art electronic shock collars will be fitted around students’ necks so that whenever they say negative comments like ‘I am so stressed out’ or ‘Cambridge has a medieval way of approaching mental health’ they will receive a jovial 500-volt shock that will instead encourage them to say things like ‘Cambridge is an incredible place to study and I am foolish for spending time away from it”.

“These changes show that Cambridge is truly leading the way when it comes to looking after the welfare of students who are unable to study for health reasons.”