21st July 2024

Joy as life expectancy stops rising


At a time when newspapers are full of doom and gloom, the country finally has something to celebrate.

“I was already worried about bringing my unborn child into Brexit Britain”, said Nancy Preg. “But now I can rejoice in the knowledge that he won’t have to spend any more time here than I will.”

Warren Down, 60, said: “With the government constantly pushing back the retirement age, at this rate I’ll only get the afternoon off before I die. I’d much rather that was in 20 years than 250 as for me it’s less about how long I can live, than how little I can work.”

Some are relieved for other reasons. “Thank God no one in the future will have to wait longer for their mothers to snuff it than I have”, said Charles from Windsor.