23rd June 2017

Girton hires Claudio Ranieri in bid to top Tompkins Table

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After his abrupt dismissal from Leicester City, Claudio Ranieri has announced he is joining Girton College as they attempt to finish top of the Tompkins table for the first time ever.

Girton’s head of academic development, Marcus Atherton, said: “We’ve seen what Mr Ranieri can do with a struggling club on the pitch, now we want to see if he can repeat his success and turn around Girton’s academic prospects in time for the end of the summer.”

Discussing his approach, Ranieri said: “It’s time to go back to basics. I want Girton students to have a direct style of essay-writing, keep possession in supervisions and always hold something back for the last five minutes of exams.

“I’ve already set about getting the third years in a strict training regime, with bi-weekly mocks and library sessions twice a day. Obviously I’ll be banning trips to Cindies until the end of exam term and I expect all undergrads to stick to a diet of red bull and hobnobs to improve mental fitness.”

Last October bookmakers gave Girton 5000 to 1 odds of topping the Tompkins table, having finished in the bottom half of the standings for the last twenty years. All eyes will be on Claudio and Girton’s non-league signing Tom Wang, who has endeared himself to fans with his catchphrase “Chat shit get Wanged”, as they attempt to move past reigning champions Trinity.

Whilst hiring Ranieri has been praised a positive move, critics have questioned whether it will be enough to prevent the college being relegated to Durham, with chief examiner Tara Lamp saying: “It’s one thing to perform in Girton library, but can they do it on a windy Tuesday morning at Guildhall?”

Meanwhile, Emmanuel’s master Arsene Bridgeworth has faced renewed calls to resign after being thrashed by the University of Munich in the European Maths Championship. Speaking to EmmanuelFanTV, Horatio Dunlop said:

“We all appreciate what he’s done for the college, the 2003-2004 ‘Invincibles’ squad without a single 2.2 graduate is one of the greatest academic achievements of all time. But now it’s time to move on and let someone else get us out of 4th place and back to the top of the table.”

Clearly unconvinced by Ranieri’s chances of success, the vice-chancellor has pledged to present this year’s class list at senate house in his underwear if Girton finishes top of the table.