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25th September 2022

Tompkins Table to resume on 17 June

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The government has announced that the Tompkins Table, the definitive ranking of Cambridge Colleges, will return on the 17th June, in order to provide some relief in these trying times.

This follows the news that other spectator sports such as football, tiddlywinks and punting will all be recommencing their sporting seasons this month.

The only college to have expressed their concerns over the resumption of proceedings was Christ’s, although they insist this has nothing to do with them already sitting 25 points clear at the top of the rankings.

The pleas of Christ’s are largely falling on deaf ears as other colleges are once again beginning training within their grounds in order to make sure that players are ready for the few exams left of the season. The colleges are also taking health concerns into consideration and have insisted on mandatory daily testing of all their players – though some students have questioned how completing past papers will keep them safe from corona.

College DoSes have also been spotted within the grounds, with their distinctive knee-length puffer jackets and loud screams of ‘encouragement’ ringing out through the college. “You’re not here to have a good time, you’re here to learn,” shouted one controversial DoS, who has been allegedly subjecting students to a gruelling 24 hours intensive training program.

Issues over the health and safety of crowds have meant that there will be no spectators for the rest of the Tompkins season, with some colleges blasting the sounds of invigilators coughing through the PA system to recreate the tense atmosphere of the exams. Spectators will still be able to enjoy the spectacle, with live coverage available on ITV and BBC and all highlights shown on BBC Two’s Exam of the Day. Some students have complained that the in-match commentary is perhaps a little distracting, with one mathmo’s nervous breakdown being blamed on the needling criticism of his use of long division in the first half.

Christ’s college have stated that their desire to postpone the league is purely out of concern for players’ health. That said, there are some reports that they have already hired an open-top punt for their trophy parade through central Cambridge.

Lucy Cavendish, languishing at the bottom of the table, are relishing the prospect of a restart to the season in order to give them a fighting chance of avoiding relegation. “We’re committed to still being in Cambridge next year,” a spokesperson said. “We will do everything to make sure we’re not starting next year as a Durham college.”