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16th May 2022

Zero Carbon activist handcuffs themselves to firework

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Zero Carbon yesterday took their campaign against global warming to new heights, as a student activist handcuffed herself to a firework in protest at the wanton pollution precipitated by Bonfire Night.

The activist, known locally as Catherine Wheel, a 2nd year at King’s, dashed out from beneath a bush before strapping herself to the ten-kilogram ‘Zeus Cannon’.

“You will not light this firework and launch another bomb into the heart of ou…” she explained to onlookers.

The protest has since been criticised by members of the public and activists alike, with Zero Carbon promptly releasing a statement reiterating their zero-tolerance policy on air travel. However, it was later revealed that the anti-climate-change organisation had more radical plans for the 5th November.

This stunt was reportedly merely part of a wider plan by Zero Carbon, who also plotted to blow up Senate House. The plot ultimately failed when an activist broke down after realising that they themselves were 18% carbon.

This news comes amid more controversy, after students revealed that the bonfire itself was constructed of discarded supervision essays and college welfare notices and that an unnamed Pembroke boy had been asked to light it.

Widely covered by student media, TCS chose to report the flurry of events by streaming the revision classic fireplace YouTube video on their website.

After returning to the ground, Miss Wheel took the opportunity to promote her new show at the ADC, Conversations With My Father, Who Is A Climate Change Denier.

She denied that the protest was ill-planned and said: “There is no way anyone can top it for visibility. I soared to 2000 feet.” She was then transferred to Addenbrookes, just in time to confront Boris Johnson over his hypocrisy around the Heathrow expansion plans.